RICKTER SCALE: Fearless and fearful predictions for the year ahead

Here's what's in store for the good folks of Sooke, says columnist

My column’s due early because of the holiday deadline, so I decided to seize the moment and postpone shopping for the bride who has everything to share some thoughts on what’s in store for the good folks of Sooke in 2017.

Planners in Sooke scramble to ease the traffic snarls caused by the opening of a Tim Hortons by installing another traffic circle that includes the world’s first drive through window in a roundabout to better serve the doughnut deprived.

Hillary Clinton launches a reality series on the Fox network, “What I Would do if I was President” to mixed reviews. Although her husband Bill makes occasional cameo appearances, Hillary insists on a clause forbidding any video of him anywhere near a pool table.

Christy Clark loses the election after her fake smile freezes during a photo op due to a muscle mishap caused by too much clenching of teeth. Although she tries to soldier on, it all comes apart when Christy’s perma-grin implodes during the televised debate.

After months of dithering by the federal government, savvy entrepreneurs in Sooke open the country’s first Dial A Bud service when they discover a loophole in the 2,000 pages of red tape the Liberals finally propose for the legalization of pot.

Donald Trump threatens to invade Canada after a Rick Mercer tweet ticks him off. The plan unravels when organic hair gel from Mexico sent as a peace offering by Justin Trudeau accidentally sets the Donald’s hair on fire, burning the White House to the ground.

Several sightings of a creature startlingly similar to Sooksquatch lead to a major spike in tourism in Sooke. Unfortunately for local businesses, a nasty protracted legal battle involving lawyers for the District of Sooke, the T’Sou-ke First Nation and the Rickter Scale over copyright infringement scuttles the sudden surge in visitors.

After years of nominations with no results, David Gogo finally wins a Juno, although not for his sensational blues guitar. Gogo wins in the comedy category after judges hear a tape of his hilarious between songs banter recorded during a concert last summer in Sooke.

And finally, in the needless to say category, taxes will go up regardless of who wins the provincial election in May because the government will continue to borrow from Peter, Paul and Paula while robbing even more from the average Joe and Joan.

A heartfelt thank you to the misguided few who take the time to stop me and comment on my column. Please feel free to sing my praise in a letter to the editor because I’m trying to raise my pay rate to something remotely resembling minimum wage as part of my get rich slow scheme for 2017.

May the year ahead and those that follow be filled with good health, peace, love, happiness and a plethora of pleasant surprises for you, your family and friends.